She Earned a 4.0. Why Was That Embarrassing?
Nov 03, 2026
We tell kids to stop comparing themselves.
Then adults line them up by GPA.
My daughter was the only freshman playing for her varsity team. Making that team was a huge honor. We weren’t prepared for what happened at a recognition event.
The coach lined the players up by GPA and announced them one by one.
One senior had a 5.0. Yes, you read that correctly. My daughter had a 4.0 and was among the last of the honor athletes to be announced.
Afterward, she told me how embarrassing that felt.
A 4.0. And she felt embarrassed.
That moment has stayed with me.
The event may have celebrated academic achievement, but the ranking was deliberate. The adults organizing it chose to make comparison part of the celebration.
I think that choice deserves questioning.
What were we asking them to celebrate?
School and sports both take effort. There was plenty to recognize: the work these students put into their classes, their commitment to their team, and everything they managed during the season.
But announcing them in GPA order made the difference between their numbers a central part of the event.
A freshman and a senior are at different points in their education. They may have different courses available to them and different opportunities to earn weighted grades. A lineup leaves little room for that context.
I don’t know how every player felt. Some may have enjoyed it. I know what my daughter told me.
Her achievement had become her position in a line.
I think the coach should have been more thoughtful about what that experience might communicate. These students already faced academic and athletic expectations. They compared themselves enough. Adults didn’t need to organize another comparison for them.
We need to acknowledge the contradiction
We tell our children to appreciate their strengths. Focus on their own progress. Remember that someone else’s accomplishment doesn’t diminish theirs.
Then we publicly show them where they stand against everyone else.
By grades. By performance. By who got into which college.
We cannot keep organizing recognition around comparison and then act surprised when young people measure themselves that way.
This asks something of all of us: parents, educators, coaches, and the institutions making these decisions.
What are we rewarding? What gets announced? What gets applause? And what do we leave unrecognized because it doesn’t come with a number?
We have choices about those things.
I had heard versions of this before
During my 17 years teaching college health, nutrition, and women’s health, I listened to students describe the expectations they were carrying.
Grades. Sports. College. Their futures. The people they didn’t want to disappoint.
I kept student feedback and reflections from class discussions. Over time, I became increasingly interested in the gap between how successful young people appeared and how they experienced the pursuit of that success.
I also explored achievement pressure through my research, Suburban Student Athletes: Driven to Overachieve, which I presented through the Sport & Society Research Network at the University of Toronto in 2015.
My classroom observations and that exploratory research gave me different ways of listening to young people. Their words continue to shape my work with families.
One athlete described the support they wanted this way:
“Not much pressure, more support.”
Those words have stayed with me.
Many parents invest tremendous time, energy, and money in helping their children. We show up. We drive. We rearrange schedules. We want to give them opportunities.
But we also need to ask what our children experience on the receiving end—and be willing to change something when their answer is uncomfortable.
They notice what we make important
Another athlete described what affected them:
“Not what was said but how it was said and the energy they gave off.”
I think about that when I remember the GPA lineup.
The words could have been congratulatory. The structure still communicated a ranking.
The same question belongs in our homes. We may say we value effort, curiosity, kindness, and well-being. Do our reactions reflect those values?
Our children notice whether we ask about the score before the experience. Whether a college’s name gets more excitement than how well it fits them. Whether we can hear about a disappointing grade without immediately discussing how to raise it.
We can examine those habits honestly. If we want our children to have a broader definition of success, we need to show them what that looks like.
Celebrate achievement with more thought
I believe in recognizing achievement. Young people work hard, and their accomplishments deserve to be seen.
We can celebrate academic commitment without announcing teammates in GPA order. We can recognize individual accomplishments without arranging everyone from highest to lowest.
We can also pay attention to growth, persistence, leadership, and the teammate who makes others feel included.
At home, that might sound like:
- “I saw how much work you put into that.”
- “You tried a different approach when the first one didn’t work.”
- “You were disappointed, and you still showed up for your team.”
And we can ask: “What do you feel proud of?”
Their answer may reveal effort or growth we hadn’t noticed. It also gives them a chance to decide what matters in their own experience.
Listen before trying to fix the feeling
When your child says something like this felt embarrassing, it can be tempting to respond immediately:
“But you did so well!”
“You should be proud!”
We want them to see what we see. But telling them how they should feel can close a conversation we need to have.
Try asking:
“What part felt embarrassing?”
“What was going through your mind?”
“What would have felt better?”
Their answer gives us information. We can take it seriously and think about what needs to change.
Sometimes the next step is a conversation with a coach or school about how recognition is organized. Sometimes it’s changing our own questions and reactions. Listening helps us decide.
Give them more than a number to measure themselves by
There will almost always be a higher number somewhere. A higher GPA. A faster time. Another award.
If we make comparison the main measure of success, there is always another reason to feel behind.
I want our children to have more to draw on when they decide how they’re doing.
Are they learning? Do their goals reflect their values, strengths, and interests? Can they recover from disappointment, ask for help, and recognize their own progress?
And alongside everything they’re accomplishing, how are they feeling?
My daughter’s experience reminded me that we need to look closely at the environments adults create. We have a responsibility to question practices that turn a celebration into another exercise in measuring up.
A question to bring home: When do you feel most supported by me—and when does my support start feeling like pressure? For some helpful tips to open conversations with your teen, download this free "5 Conversation Starter Guide"
Give them time to answer. Listen before explaining. Then consider what you might do differently.
If you’d like to hear more of what the athletes shared, read Suburban Student Athletes: Driven to Overachieve.
If you’re trying to understand the pressure your teen or young adult is carrying, I can help you explore what’s happening and choose practical next steps together. Visit my calendar, to Book a Complimentary Coaching Consult.
No blame. No shame. Just FORWARD.
Siah Fried, MPH, NBC-HWC