Suburban Student Athletes: Driven to Overachieve

What athletes who reached “the dream” taught me about pressure, achievement and success.

Some of the young people who concern me most are the ones who look like they’re doing great.

They’re getting the grades, playing the sport, taking the AP classes, holding leadership positions and thinking about college. They’re doing everything we’ve told them successful kids are supposed to do.

And sometimes, underneath all of that achievement, they’re overwhelmed.

That’s something I’ve been thinking about for a very long time, first as an educator and researcher, then as a parent raising three kids through competitive sports, and now in my work with teens, young adults and families.

Achievement is not the same as well-being.

I Started Seeing It Years Ago

Years ago, as my own children were entering competitive sports, I loved so much of what sports gave them. But I was also beginning to notice the intensity surrounding youth sports—playing time, winning, recruiting, what team a child made and what came next.

At the same time, I was hearing something remarkably similar from my students: academic pressure, sports pressure, college pressure, and for student athletes, the collision of all three.

These weren’t kids who lacked ambition. Many were incredibly driven. Some followed exactly the path we tell high-achieving student athletes they're supposed to follow: work hard, get the grades, excel in your sport, get recruited and go to the four-year school.

And yet, I watched several of those students return to community college, and seem happier. Their parents had wanted what most parents want: to help their kids succeed. But sometimes the path that looks like success from the outside isn't the one that fits the young person.

One told me something I’ve never forgotten:

“My parents chose that college for me. I’m looking forward to doing it my way this time.”

That stopped me because it raised a much bigger question: Who is defining success?

The student? The parent? The coach? The college? The culture surrounding them?

And are young people pursuing something they actually want—or becoming incredibly successful at pursuing somebody else’s definition of success?

So I decided to study it.

I Wanted to Hear From Athletes Who Had Reached “The Dream”

Part of my goal was to hear from athletes who had reached—or were reaching—the level so many young athletes and families are working toward.

Some of the athletes in my research had gone on to compete in college. They had experienced recruiting, college athletics and the reality on the other side of the goal. Others reached even higher levels of competition.

I wanted to know: What did the journey look like when we asked the athletes themselves?

My research, Suburban Student Athletes: Driven to Overachieve, examined the pressure student athletes experienced around academics and athletics from their perspective. In the summer of 2015, I presented the work through the Sport & Society Research Network at the University of Toronto.

And one of the things that became clear was that pressure didn't affect every athlete in the same way.

One athlete who went on to play in the NFL told me that he needed pressure. For him, it was motivating. Growing up in the projects, succeeding in football represented a path toward something different.

That perspective matters.

Pressure isn't automatically good or bad. What motivates one young person may overwhelm another.

Years later, I went back and looked at what those athletes told me.

I wish their words felt dated. They don’t.

What the Research Showed Me

The numbers told part of the story.

In one group of 63 respondents, 87% reported moderate-to-a-lot of societal pressure to be a high-achieving student athlete. 64% pointed to an increasingly competitive world and college-admissions process, 55% pointed to society defining success around GPA, athletics and college admission, and 31% identified parental pressure to achieve. Among 114 respondents, 63% said athletic success depended “a lot” or “a great deal” on playing time and college-recruiter attention rather than hard work.  

The numbers mattered, but they aren't what I remember most.

I remember what the athletes said.

“Not Much Pressure, More Support.”

The athletes weren't asking parents to stop caring or stop having expectations. In fact, many talked about how important their parents' support was.

One athlete put it beautifully:

“Not much pressure, more support.”

Another described what helped as “Coming to the games, cheering in the stands and staying positive.” And another said that when their parents told them they believed they could get through a test or game, that confidence helped them believe it too.  

That idea has stayed with me through my own years on the sidelines, too. I wrote more about what our kids may be learning from us in What Kids Are Really Learning from Parents at Youth Sports. 

 That's an important distinction. Kids need challenge, expectations and opportunities to struggle, fail, recover and discover what they're capable of.

But there is a difference between pressure that helps a young person grow and pressure they feel responsible for surviving.

When Support Starts to Feel Like Pressure

One athlete wrote something I still think about:

“My parents always motivated me but as I got older, it felt more like pressure because I felt I had to make sure it was all worth their while.”

Worth their while.

Competitive sports can require an enormous family investment—money, travel, weekends, practices, lessons, tournaments, changed schedules and hours in the car.

We do those things because we love our kids. But somewhere along the way, I want to do this can quietly become I can't let them down.

And our kids don't only hear the words we say. They experience us—our face after the game, our silence in the car, our reaction to playing time, the first question we ask, our excitement when a recruiter shows interest.

One athlete captured it this way:

“Not what was said but how it was said and the energy they gave off.” 

We may genuinely tell our kids, “I just want you to be happy.” But they're also listening to everything surrounding those words.

When Achievement Hides Struggle

This may be the part I wish more adults understood: A struggling kid doesn't always look like they're struggling.

Sometimes they look incredibly successful. They get the grade, make the team, train harder, keep accomplishing, keep smiling and keep saying, “I'm fine.”

Because they're still performing, we assume they're handling it. But a young person can be successful and anxious, driven and exhausted, or proud of what they're accomplishing and terrified of falling behind.

One athlete simply said:

“School was hard enough but athletics on top made me overwhelmed.” 

Sometimes Pressure Changes the Question

One finding hits me differently now, after raising three competitive athletes myself.

Among 42 respondents asked about their biggest concern following an injury, only 17% identified pain. 52% said losing playing time, while another 21% identified stress related to not playing, falling behind in fitness and losing team status. 

Their bodies were hurt, yet for many, the biggest concern wasn't Am I okay?

It was:

What am I going to lose?

That's what pressure can do. And it doesn't only happen in sports.

When achievement becomes closely tied to identity, slowing down can start to feel dangerous.

Behavior Is Often the Clue—Not the Problem

Years later, this research connects directly to the work I do with families.

A high-achieving student suddenly procrastinates. An athlete who once loved their sport doesn't want to practice. A teenager becomes anxious, irritable, avoidant, perfectionistic or overwhelmed.

Our first instinct may be: How do I stop this? How do I motivate them? Why won't they try harder?

But I've learned to ask a different question:

What might this behavior be telling us?

What changed? What are they carrying? What are they afraid of? What tools are they missing?

Because when pressure becomes greater than our capacity to cope, behavior changes. And if we focus only on changing the behavior, we may miss what the young person is trying to tell us.

Are We Teaching Resilience—or Just Endurance?

I believe in resilience and expectations. I believe kids need to struggle, experience disappointment and discover that hard doesn't mean impossible.

But resilience isn't simply the ability to tolerate more and more pressure without breaking. It's also learning to adapt, ask for help, recover, change strategies, know your values, recognize when to persevere—and sometimes know when to choose differently.

Our goal shouldn't be to raise kids who can endure unlimited pressure.

It should be to help them develop the capacity to recognize pressure, respond to it and know when something needs to change.

What Those Athletes Were Trying to Tell Us

I conducted this research more than a decade ago, and I wish I could pull it out today and think, We listened. We learned. Things got better.

I'm not sure they have.

The landscape has changed, but college admissions, competitive sports, recruiting, social media and comparison haven't made the pressure disappear. In some ways, it feels louder.

That's why I keep returning to what those athletes were trying to tell us. They weren't asking us to stop believing in them. They weren't asking us to eliminate expectations or make everything easier.

They were asking for something more nuanced:

“Not much pressure, more support.”

Maybe the question isn't only, How much did they accomplish? Maybe it's also, How are they doing while they're accomplishing it?

And perhaps the question for us as parents is:

Do they experience us as another source of pressure—or as a place they can bring the pressure?

Because the athletes I studied reminded me of something I still see today: young people can be accomplishing extraordinary things and carrying more than we realize.

Sometimes the behavior we're trying so hard to change is exactly what is telling us to look a little deeper.

Behavior is often the clue, not the problem.

No blame. No shame. Just FORWARD.

Wondering What the Pressure Looks Like in Your Family? 

Sometimes the first step isn't changing the behavior. It's getting curious about what's underneath it.

The free Move FORWARD Reflection Tool can help you step back, look at what's happening through a different lens, and identify one meaningful next step. 

→ Get the Free Move FORWARD Reflection Too

Siah Fried, MPH, NBC-HWC

www.siahfriedcoach.com

Move FORWARD Parent & Family Wellness Coaching

siah_Fried@yahoo.com