My Son Saw Me Struggle. I Didn't Know He Was Watching.

My son and I have this little thing we do.

We send each other Instagram posts. Usually the sentimental ones about mothers and sons, growing up, letting go, or how much we mean to each other.

Sometimes they're funny. Sometimes they're sweet. And sometimes, one says more than either of us would probably say out loud.

If you're raising a teenage boy who isn't exactly an open book when it comes to his feelings, you might know what I mean.

But one day, he sent me something I'll never forget.

It said:

"I've seen my mom struggle, but I've never seen her quit. That's why she's my hero."

I read it. Then I read it again.

And I cried.

Not because he called me his hero.

But because I had no idea he'd been watching.

I thought I was showing him how to succeed. Turns out, he was watching me struggle.

Building my coaching business has been one of the most rewarding and challenging things I've ever done.

There have been exciting moments, disappointments, doors that opened, doors that closed, and plenty of days when I've wondered whether I'm doing the right thing.

And that's just one chapter of my life.

Like most parents, I've had my share of mistakes, setbacks, disappointments, and moments when I wasn't sure what came next.

I've been rejected. I've questioned myself. I've had to change direction and start over.

And I've kept going.

Not always gracefully. Not always confidently. And certainly not perfectly.

But apparently, my son has noticed.

What touched me most wasn't that he thought I was successful.

It was that he recognized how hard I've worked, even when things haven't gone my way.

And that got me thinking about something I tell parents all the time.

Your kids need to know you didn't always have it figured out.

Think about it.

Our children enter our lives somewhere in the middle of our story.

They didn't know us when we were broke, insecure, heartbroken, rejected, or trying to figure out who we wanted to be.

They weren't there for our first jobs, failed relationships, financial worries, or the many times we took a chance and things didn't work out.

They see the lives we've built.

But they don't necessarily see what it took to build them.

And because adolescents are still developing the ability to see the bigger picture and consider perspectives beyond their immediate experience, they may not naturally connect the dots.

To them, it can look like we've always had our act together.

Now add social media, where everyone seems to have the perfect family, perfect career, perfect body, and perfect life.

Is it any wonder so many young people are terrified of failing?

They're comparing their messy beginnings to everyone else's carefully edited highlight reel.

Sometimes even their parents'.

Maybe it's time we let them see a few of our outtakes.

As parents, we want our kids to feel safe. We want to protect them from unnecessary worry.

And somewhere along the way, we may start believing that being strong means looking strong all the time.

But what if we're missing an opportunity?

What if our children actually benefit from hearing us say:

• "I really wanted that opportunity, and I didn't get it."

• "I made a mistake. I wish I'd handled that differently."

• "I'm nervous about trying something new, too."

• "That didn't work, so I'm going to figure out another way."

• "I need some help with this."

There's a difference between making our kids responsible for our problems and letting them see that we're human.

We don't need to share every worry or lean on them for emotional support.

But we can show them that disappointment, uncertainty, and failure are normal parts of life.

Because when we make room for our own imperfections, we give our children permission to have theirs.

Rocky had it right. And our family loves Rocky.

If you know our family, you know we love the Rocky movies.

There's something about that underdog story that never gets old.

A guy who gets knocked down, counted out, underestimated, and rejected, but keeps showing up.

Not because he's guaranteed to win.

But because he's willing to get back in the ring.

One of the messages that has always stayed with me is that life isn't about avoiding every hit. It's about finding the strength to keep moving forward.

And here's what I think we sometimes get wrong when we teach our kids about winning.

We focus so much on the outcome.

The grade. The college acceptance. The championship. The job offer. The achievement.

But winning isn't always about getting what you wanted.

Sometimes winning is applying even when you're afraid of rejection.

Sometimes it's admitting you're struggling and asking for help.

Sometimes it's realizing the path you chose isn't working and having the courage to change direction.

And sometimes it's getting knocked down, dusting yourself off, and deciding you're not finished yet.

That's how winning is done.

Not by never failing.

But by refusing to let failure define you.

And that doesn't always mean pushing harder. Sometimes the strongest move is to rest, ask for support, or choose a healthier path.

The lesson our kids may need most isn't another lecture.

As a parent coach, I work with families whose teens and young adults are overwhelmed, anxious about the future, afraid to disappoint someone, or reluctant to put themselves out there.

And parents often ask me, "What can I say to help?"

Sometimes the answer isn't another motivational speech.

Maybe it's sharing the story of the job you didn't get.

The friendship you lost.

The business idea that didn't work.

The time you were scared, embarrassed, or unsure of yourself.

And what you did next.

Not to prove how tough you are.

But to remind your child that being human means experiencing all of it.

The victories. The disappointments. The wrong turns. The second chances.

When they see us navigate those moments, we give them something more useful than an expectation of perfection.

We give them a real-life example of resilience.

One Instagram post I'll never forget.

I am pretty sure my son knew exactly what this message would mean to me.

Our kids watch and hear us so much more than we think they do.

I'll carry his words with me through every setback, every professional disappointment, and every moment when I'm wondering if all the effort is worth it.

Because all this time, I thought the wins were what would make him proud.

Turns out, he was just as proud of the times I got knocked down and got back up.

Not because I always get things right.

Not because I always win.

But because he sees what I do when things don't go my way.

And perhaps the greatest lesson I've taught him wasn't something I deliberately taught at all.

It was simply letting him see me be human.

Struggle. Fail. Feel disappointed. Get back up.

And keep moving FORWARD.

Our kids don't need us to be undefeated. They need to know that being knocked down doesn't mean they're out of the fight.

And isn't that exactly what we hope they'll learn to do?

Sometimes, the most important lessons we teach our children are the ones we never realized we were teaching.

One conversation worth having this week

Think about a time something didn't go as planned for you.

Maybe you didn't get the job. Maybe you made a mistake. Maybe you had to change direction or ask for help.

Consider sharing that experience with your teen or young adult.

Not as a lecture. Just as a story.

Then ask:

"Have you ever felt that way?"

You may be surprised by what follows.

And if you're looking for more ways to start meaningful conversations with your child, my free 5 Conversation Starters resource offers a few simple ways to connect without pushing, lecturing, or trying to fix everything.

Get the Free Conversation Starters

If your family is navigating a challenging season and you're unsure how to help, I offer a complimentary coaching consult to help you find a clearer place to begin.

Book a Complimentary Coaching Consult

Parenting doesn't come with a guidebook. But it can come with a guide.

No blame. No shame. Just FORWARD.

Siah Fried, MPH, NBC-HWC
Certified Parent Coach | Move FORWARD™