When Nothing Is Working With Your Child | Try a New Lens
Jul 12, 2026
When Nothing Is Working With Your Child,
Try a New Lens
Why understanding what's underneath behavior may change everything.
Have you ever found yourself thinking, "I've tried everything."
Maybe it's your child.
Maybe your teenager.
Maybe your young adult who's pulling away.
Or maybe you've started noticing something in yourself.
You've had the conversations.
You've tried consequences.
You've offered encouragement.
You've searched for answers.
Yet somehow...
Nothing seems to be working.
If that's where you are today, you're not alone.
After more than 30 years of working with families, and raising three children of my own, I've learned that one of the hardest parts of parenting isn't loving our kids.
It's knowing what they actually need from us when they're struggling.
For years, I thought my job was to stop the behavior.
If my child was anxious, I wanted to fix the anxiety.
If they were angry, I wanted to calm them down.
If they were procrastinating, I wanted to motivate them.
If they were withdrawing, I wanted them to open up.
Those are loving instincts.
But one experience with my son completely changed the way I parented.
The Moment That Changed Everything
My youngest son was about eight years old.
One afternoon he was having what I believed was a huge tantrum.
I tried talking.
I tried reasoning.
Nothing worked.
Instead of calming down, he became even more overwhelmed.
Something told me to stop trying to fix the moment.
Instead, I wrapped my arms around him.
He cried even harder.
As I held him, I looked across the room.
My oldest daughter was packing for college.
She was leaving home in just a few days.
I quietly asked,
"Are you sad because your sister is leaving?"
He buried his face into my shoulder and sobbed.
Neither of us had realized how much he had been carrying.
For years he had heard conversations about college. He had watched us prepare. He had watched me cry. His whole world felt like it was changing, and through the eyes of an eight-year-old, that was overwhelming.
Later he said something I'll never forget.
"Mom... I wish I could stay little forever."
That day changed me.
Not because I suddenly had all the parenting answers.
But because I realized I had been trying to understand his behavior.
What I really needed to understand was his experience.
The Question That Changed Everything
That experience eventually led me to one simple question.
Instead of asking,
"How do I stop this behavior?"
Try asking,
"What might this behavior be trying to tell me?"
That question changes everything.
Because behavior is often communication.
Sometimes anxiety says,
"I'm overwhelmed."
Sometimes perfectionism says,
"I'm terrified of failing."
Sometimes withdrawal says,
"I don't think anyone understands me."
Sometimes anger says,
"I don't have the words for what's happening inside."
The behavior isn't always the problem.
Often...
it's the clue.
A New Lens for Understanding Behavior
The more I asked that question, the more I realized something else.
It isn't just a parenting question.
It's a human question.
What if we asked it about...
our spouse?
our coworker?
our aging parent?
our young adult?
Even ourselves?
Sometimes our own impatience...
our own perfectionism...
our own withdrawal...
or our own frustration...
isn't because we're failing.
Sometimes it's because our own pressure has exceeded our capacity to cope.
That's why I often remind parents:
People don't struggle because they're weak. They struggle because the pressure outweighs their capacity to cope.
Years later, one of my daughters gave me the words for what I had learned.
She said,
"Mom... I feel like I'm in the ocean and all anyone can give me is a life raft just to barely stay afloat."
From the outside, she looked like she was doing everything right.
Great grades.
Varsity sport.
College recruiters.
She looked successful.
Inside, she felt like she was drowning.
That experience reminded me that pressure doesn't always look like struggle.
One Question to Ask This Week
Think about one behavior that's been frustrating you lately.
Maybe it's something your child is doing.
Maybe it's your young adult who's become distant.
Or maybe it's something you've noticed in yourself.
Before asking how to change it...
pause and ask,
What pressure might be underneath?
You may not know the answer immediately.
But asking a better question often leads to a better conversation.
And sometimes...
that's where healing begins
What If This Is the Conversation You've Been Needing?
If you've ever found yourself thinking,
"Nothing I'm doing is working."
I created a free workshop for you.
When Nothing Is Working... Try a New Lens
In just 20 minutes, you'll discover:
✔ Why behavior is rarely the whole story.
✔ How pressure changes the way children, teens, young adults—and even adults—cope.
✔ A new question that can transform the way you respond.
✔ One meaningful Move FORWARD step you can take immediately.
You don't have to become a perfect parent. It's not about perfection. It's about reflection and progress.
You don't need all the answers.
It's seeing differently.
👉 Use this link to reserve your free spot today and discover what changes when you begin looking through a different lens.